I have not felt confident to be completely ME for years.
I know, who else would I be?
In my teens like most young people I was uncertain, uneasy, uncomfortable and experimental. I moulded myself into many different characters, outfits and personas. Searching for the ME that would not only fit in with my peers but would also retain a big chunk of my individuality. Yes I planned to hang onto the truest part of ME.
I bounced around searching for advice on how to look, how to speak and how to behave.
Sometime in my early twenties I finally found ME, I embraced her, I remained true to her and together we climbed mountains.
Then I entered a new era, motherhood and that version of ME did not fit so well. She began to crumble and sometime after hearing congratulations you have a baby girl a chunk of my self-esteem fell of. Two years later, when here is your baby boy happened, another slab of self-esteem slipped away. The ME I knew so well was disappearing and this new person was not who I was expecting.
I would gaze into the mirror, recognising my physical self and yet not seeing ME.
I began devouring parenting books, blogs and magazines by the dozen. Searching for answers, the right way to parent, the new ME.
I used the results of studies to beat myself up, I held myself to impossibly high standards and measured myself against fictitious role models. I began to slowly drown in an ocean of information. This was not ME and I knew it.
Finally I began to question the value in seeking so much knowledge and my willingness to disregard my greatest assets, instinct and intuition.
My greatest teacher would now become experience.
Time was truly my friend, bit by bit, moment by moment, mistake after mistake I slowly learnt what worked for ME. I began to rebuild that self-esteem and faith in my own abilities returned.
I rediscovered and allowed my identity to emerge again. Giving myself the okay to be more than someone’s Mum.
Peeling away the uncomfortable protective layers I had piled on exposed and scared me. The more vulnerable I was the closer I was to ME and the more true to ME the stronger I am.
I took the children on a photo walk today. There was no grand plan, crazy agenda or goal to fulfil. Quite simple we were doing something I enjoy, yes something for ME.
This something for ME was in fact something for us.
As I knelt to get a close up of a plant I noticed Mr 6 very carefully and quietly standing beside a plant, hand outstretched. He looked up and lifted his finger to his mouth with a gesture of Shhhhhh!!!!! Then ever so gently a butterfly landed on his hand.
I stared, and actually forgot about my camera, which was lucky because the minute I remembered and jerked forward the butterfly left.
Then all three of us just stood, with beaming smiles, enjoying our moment, our moment when nature came and planted us with a kiss.
In this very moment, as I stood there stripped of any parenting books and noisy little should in my mind.
In this moment when I wasn’t comparing and recreating other people’s stories.
In this moment as I was being, what is the word for it? Oh yes I was being ME.
In this moment I felt strong, self-assured and completely ok.
In this very moment I received my lightning bolt of clarity.
By honouring ME I will be the best Mother, Wife, Friend, Daughter, Sister and Person.
Today I choose to be more Me’r than Me.
Have you ever lost yourself?